Light to Dark

Rising to the morning

Light seeps through the windows

Slowly moving to 6:30,

then 6:40,

then 6:45.

And then I feel it,

the misery of being awake

Peaking from the dead

where the zombies lie.

And I soon-

Collide with the Earth

Crumbling to dust and dirt-

To find myself captive to my bed

12 Hours later,

Quickly moving to 6:30,

Then 6:40,

Then 6:45-

And it’s the night.

But I’ve done nothing-

Except change from light to dark.

Advertisements

Another Episode

Tirelessly scratching my face,

The surface of my mistakes

Digging to erase-

Where you lie in place.

*

Picking over scabs,

Feigning to relax.

All of my skins cracked;

Evidence of the truth,

You’re never coming back.

*

Pressing bruises into my skin,

Relentless to keep the demons in

Replaying the memories of where our story begins-

Blacking out when it ends.

Do Drunk Words Speak Sober Thoughts?

tumblr_m3ici0Z2kU1r1e9xro1_500

I have heard this saying a lot, particularly from drunk people. I have even been guilty of saying this, but I am not entirely sure how true this quote is. Drunk words aren’t always sober thoughts, at least on my end, anyways. In my daily life I am not a big partier, but I do enjoy a night out with friends, which often times includes drinking. I am not going to say I am an expert on the above phrase because that may give the connotation that I am an alcoholic, but I will say that I have seen many people use this quote to reinforce bad behaviors or make exceptions for an individual’s word choice.

My experience with “drunk words are sober thoughts,” is that drunk words are not simply sober thoughts. Drunk words are drunk thoughts. Drunk thoughts can be just as real as sober thoughts, but there is a negative stigma associated with sharing how you feel when under the influence.

“I can’t believe I texted him that last night,” does not necessarily translate to “I didn’t mean that.” However, we are different when we are influenced by alcohol, and sometimes we want different things or experience feelings that are normally vacant to us. Alcohol is a mind altering beverage that makes you feel and process the world around you differently when you have had enough of it. So, do drunk words speak sober thoughts? Perhaps, but I think drunk words are more so the thoughts and feelings you are having in that moment, not necessarily every moment. 

In a state of drunkenness you may love the idea of quitting your job and moving to France. On an average Wednesday, you understand that being close to your family is more important than the hopeless romanticism that is associated with anxiously packing up and leaving. Neither of these are less true, they are just prompted by different situations. Not everything you say while drinking wreaks of honesty, but the same goes for when you are sober, as well.

This particular phrase along with encounters I have experienced and witnessed have led me to really think about the consequences that come with the words we say and the feelings we share. Knowing that words are words, regardless of your state of mind, I am going to make a conscious effort to pour more truth into the conversations I have and the relationships I share.

Choosing Motherhood

I grew up with a mother who fulfilled the role of stay-at-home mom, while my father worked and provided for our family. My mother met my father at age 19 and they were married just before her 22nd birthday. She was a mom. He was a dad. Together they dedicated their lives to raising my brother and I into respected, compassionate, and intelligent adults.

This past Saturday night I went to my cousin’s housewarming party. She is my age, 23, and just had her first child. I look at her life and I envy her, not because I want a child or because I don’t have a house, or because she has an excuse to stay in on a Saturday night and can feel okay about it; but because she seems so content and thrilled with everything that is happening in her life. She loves being a mom, having a house, and a boyfriend who loves her. In this moment, she is happy with the traditional path that so many of us follow; the path that leads us to build and raise families of our own. As I watched her prepare guacamole and fulfill the role of “adult mom,” I kept thinking about how much I wanted to want everything she wanted. (Quite a mouthful, right?) I began to grow frustrated with myself because I know that life for me would be so much easier if I wanted to be married with kids right now because of how it is such a pre-destined role for women.

Now, I know society has changed drastically over these past few decades, but I still see majority of women and men fulfilling their expected roles. I see others around me who want to have careers, but are still so concerned with following the respectable path of dating, then moving in together, then getting engaged, then marriage, then kids, then maybe a couple more kids, and then spending a large amount of time waiting for those kids to grow up and follow the exact same path. By societal standards, this is destiny for many of us.

I, myself, am on a path so similar to the one I just explained. However, I am not so sure I want to be, or if I think I want to be because that is what I am told. I question whether or not I want children, and whether or not I am a suitable candidate for marriage. Despite my lack of uncertainty though, I wish those were all of the things I wanted and things I knew I wanted. Instead, I want to travel the world, learn new languages, write a book, maybe write a few books, live in many different places, grow in my career, maybe eventually change my career, and ultimately, discover who I really am and if I am, in any way, prepared to give into society’s expectations of me by becoming a wife and mother.

When people ask me if I want children, I always reply by saying, “I don’t know.” I tend to get strange looks, and sometimes I get lectures from people telling me that I should want a family one day. They are right though. I should want a family one day, and I should know that I want a family one day, but life in my mind is bigger than family. I do not think that I was born to become a mom or a wife or a combination of the two. I wish I did think that though. Instead, I am always restless and always wondering about what is meant for me and how I am supposed to play this game when I can’t seem to play by the rules.